empty space

My brain feels like a giant squid. Or at least how I would imagine a giant mushy squid to feel. Maybe it would be better described as a bowl of jello - when you poke it, it just kind of jiggles and then returns to limbo.

Ever worn a headband? Has that headband ever been too tight? Get a headache? Well I have. And I have had a constant headache for the past 2 weeks. It feels like I have a headband on too tight, but when I go to take it off I realize there is nothing there. Take some Tylenol. Don't have any. Go to bed. Phone rings. Go back to bed. Dream your working. Got hit by a client. Wake up. Worn out. Legs hurt.

I feel overworked, underpaid, and in desperate need of a vacation. Luckily for me, it is exactly 1 week until I board the plan for Mexico. The trip could go 1 of 2 ways. I could either return well rested and ready to return to work OR I could return in handcuffs because I did some horrible unthinkable crime to one of my siblings due to irritation and going off the deep end. I'm hoping for the first.

Am I cynical? Perhaps. Do I like my job? Most days. Should I go to bed? Yes.

thumper the wise bunny

Today is the day that I realized how judgemental I am of other people. Should I stop thinking this way? Yes. Will I stop? Probably not. Will I share this new insight with you? Of course.

As far back as I can remember I have fought sleep. I believe this stems from my belief that something "exciting" is going to happen and I don't want to miss it. Or perhaps it is because I feel that "sleep is boring", as I have told my roommate several times late at night in the past.

Often at night when I am "fighting" the urge to fall asleep I will roam around the apartment, get out my binoculars to spy on the neighbors, or surf the web. My surfing around has led me to craigslist many a times. Usually I will search for a goodie for my apartment or even a fun class to take, but last night I decided to mix it up a little bit - Missed Connections.

As I began to read peoples tales of how they walked past a girl on the subway and knew it was meant to be or they saw a boy passing on his bicycle and they "locked eyes" I myself began to wonder if these people are in need of some serious help. I mean hello! Have they not heard about eharmony or match.com?? As these thoughts began to creep into my mind I realized that I was judging them - once again.

Perhaps I should sign up to to judge the largest pumpkin at the county fair or the 4H modeling show (I have experience!). Regardless, I should really stop judging people because I'm certain others could come up with lists miles long of all the foolish things I do.

I should really take Thumpers advice. He was wise beyond his years.

"If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all"

fact or fiction? either way - i agree.

1. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

2. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

3. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

4. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

5. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

6. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

7. Bad decisions make good stories.

8. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

9. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

10. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

11. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

12. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

13. What would happen if you ran over a ninja?

14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

It's A Hoax

Well I finally took the plunge and decided to set up my internet. And boy did I feel ripped off. Apparently there is even smaller print then the $19.99 "for the first 6 months. " I missed the "with cable package". Long story short. . . It is $29.99 a month (for the first 6 months... then $49.99) AND a $50.00 activation service AND $5 a month to rent the modem. Did I mention you have to buy your own wireless router?

This "adult" business is getting old. No wonder Peter Pan never wants to grow up. Geesh!

It's A Bird.... It's A Plane... It's Emily?

Sometimes I put my underwear on overtop of my pants, tie a sheet around my neck, and pretend to fly around my apartment. Is this normal?

Boo!

Some people are terrified of bats, snakes, the dark, small places, even clowns. Not me though. I'm basically a fearless babe.

Oh Wait! There is one small exception of the little creepy crawlers with 8 legs. Many of you probably know that since I have moved into this apartment I have had big and small spiders galore - leg and right, up and down, in and out. I'm not sure how they weasel their way in, but one way or another they do.

A perfect example of my scared level would be the day I was taking a shower. Minding my own business. Rinsing my hair (eyes closed). Upon opening my eyes I spotted it... big, scary, 8 legs and all. It was a Daddy Long Leg in the upper corner of my shower. I immediately screamed, and fell out of the shower. Ouch!

Another day I didn't shower at all because there was a big black and yellow spider lurking near the shampoo bottle.

Unfortunately for me, not killing the spider is worse then the process of actually killing it. If I leave it lurking there who knows where it will be the next night - possibly in my bed! Yikes. So thus far, I have had to face my fears and smash the things as quickly as possible and with as little contact as possible.

Well, for the past week in the downstairs hallway on the ceiling there has been a little creature roaming around. I see him nightly and check to make sure he hasn't made his way any closer to my apartment. Well tonight when I arrived home from work he was MIA. I searched high, I searched low - no where.

A few hours later as I was sitting on my recliner watching some trashy TV I spotted the little brute. Although he wasn't so little. Instantly I began to scream in hopes a concerned neighbor would come to check on me and kill the beast. Of course all my neighbors are old and senile so I had no such luck. Eventually I faced my fear and smashed him to smithereens. It was torture! Please help me.

Whats your fear?

We Got Cows

Do you ever feel like your living a scene from a movie? Like your a famous actor/actress getting paid the big bucks? As if you DVRed a scene and its on repeat? Or perhaps just stuck on pause?

Well I do. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the movie Twister, but for those of you who are not I will give you a quick briefing. . . Twister is a 1996 disaster film starring Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton as storm chasers researching tornadoes. The two are married, however, in the process of a divorce. Bill Paxton's girlfriend Jami Gertz plays the role of a reproductive therapist. The following scene is when the 3 individuals are stuck in the middle of a twister on a bridge in a rural area. Enjoy!



Back to the point at hand... Yesterday, I felt as if I were the therapist in this exact (minus the bridge and the twister) scene. Let me paint the picture for you.

It was midday and I was traveling from one clients home to another. As I was driving in a rural area minding my own beeswax (aka in the middle of a phone call with a client) I began to slowly turn Ol' Betsy (my beautiful car) to the left to continue cruising around the S curve. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spotted a big black BEAST! Luckily the beast had a bell around its neck and I was able to identify the beast as a cow - since I do have training in this area.

As I came to a halt the beast ever so slowly walked into the middle of the road and just stared at me. A blank and helpless stare. To my client I stated "I gotta go - we got cows" and I quickly put Ol' Betsy in reverse and went to the nearby farmhouse to report the runaway. As I slowly pulled into the drive I instantly spotted numerous heaps of what some may refer to as "junk" others may call "treasure".

I approached the front door only to find the path blocked by a recliner. This was no ordinary recliner. This recliner was sitting outside, was completely backed against the door to ensure no entrance or exit. Oh? A Chair? Sure I'll have a seat!.....Well just kidding about the sitting down part...

Next I ventured to the back door, After knocking in a somewhat rhythmic fashion for several minutes I decided to stick my nose to the glass and take a gander inside. What did I find you ask? A porch stacked from top to bottom with "things". There was no way any individual could maneuver their way through these heaps of "treasures". 1 word describes the scene I encountered - Hoarder (refer to previous post).

Suddenly in my mind I imagined the following scene from Home Alone taking place....



Once this thought popped into my mind I took off running - Phone in hand, 911 on speed dial. I jumped in my car and pealed out of that place. Of course the farm girl and concern for others got the best of me. I decided to call the sheriff department and report the beast to them so they could handle it accordingly. Of course nobody answered.

After deciding that I had given it a good faith effort to get the beast back in it's pen I decided to continue on my journey along the country road. About a half mile up I spotted a farm spreading manure across the field. Of course I flagged him down to express my concern about the beast and the harm it could do to some poor passerby.

The farmers response? "Oh! That's Old' Betsy. I've Been Looking For Her For Weeks".
My Response? "Oh? That's My Cars Name Too".

And that story is a perfect example of how this little lady feels like a movie star on a day to day basis!

Its official... not to be confused with UNofficial

the debate is over. period. end of story.
I can't handle the torture, the torment, the absolute chaos of not being able to log onto the world wide web on my every whim. Luckily for me, for a limited time only I can get a real steal through comcast for $19.99/month for 6 months only.
Of course make sure you read the small print. After the first 6 months, it magically becomes $59.99/month. Yikes! Maybe I'll reassess in 6 months and see if I can go back to stealing internet from my helpless neighbors.
Well I'm off to the store to do some internet shopping. Wish me luck.

Too Much Fun? Whats That Mean?

First, I must preface this post with the fact that I'm an Orange. To those of you who do not know what I am referring to... All you need to know is that I'm awesome, like to party, and know how to have a good time. That being said, I felt like this song was appropriate.



Over the past 11 days while I was on a forced "break" from blogging I have undergone some rather thrilling adventures. Let me give you the brief recap.

#1. Six Flags Great America. It was here that I attempted to go on every single roller coaster. Some of the individuals who embarked on this journey with me were not as daring as I, so we did have to skip a couple (which i was not very happy about). I did, however, manage to wiggle my way onto the giant drop, which made me pee my pants a little.

#2. Magic Waters. Whoever came up with the idea of inventing a water slide that spins you around as if you are in a toilet bowl was a genius. I did somehow manage to get a little sun burnt, get into a verbal fight with some little punks who thought they were cool enough to skip the line 5 times, and go on a water slide which was completely covered and pitch black inside. This too made me pee my pants a little, which was more acceptable then while at location #1.

#3. Wedding. Who doesn't enjoy a little romance mixed with some bad dancing and an open bar? Mix the 3 together and you know your bound to have a good ol' time. Somehow I managed to completely embarrass myself in front of the grooms parents, have ice cream splatter across my legs, and get yelled at by the bartender. Surprised? - Didn't think so. Fortunately for me (and my date), peeing was not involved in an inappropriate way at this venue.

#4. Nap. I never thought a nap could be included in an adventure; however, if it includes a dream that you are a race car driver, shark attacks, and large boulders. I think it deserves a shout out.

I know I had more excitement then that, but those were my main attractions for the past week. Stay tuned because next week I am going to attend a Polo match. Can you say Pretty Woman? This should be interesting. . .

Neglectful? - I think not.

Dear Blog,

Sorry I have not written to you in some time. 11 days to be exact. I promise I have not been neglecting you intentionally, nor have I been cheating on you with another blog. Please hear me out without interruptions or objections.

Once upon a time (January 23rd 2010) I moved into my current apartment. I was debating signing up for comcast cable & internet because I am not a big television watcher; however, I am a huge internet user. Cable + Internet = $100 a month. I was debating if I wanted cable and internet or just internet.

Well. . . the "no" side of my debate quickly won because when I plugged my TV into the wall, I suddenly had 100's of channels. Why pay for comcast when I already have free cable?? I then attempted to log onto the internet and realized that "linksy" did not require a password. Sure, I wouldn't be doing any large credit card purchases without a secure network, but I can order those things elsewhere.

So, for the past 6 months and 16 days I have had free cable and internet. Correction, 6 months and 5 days. On July 27th, linksys decided to no longer connect to the World Wide Web. Could it possibly be due to the fact that my downstairs neighbors moved out? Damn. So the debate has resurfaced.

Blog, I'm sorry if you have felt neglected over the past few days. I hope you understand my predicament and will be able to find it in your heart to forgive me. Hopefully I will be up and running again soon and not having to use my work computer for my personal affairs.

Sincerely,
Emily