Bumper Sticker?

Today while driving along on my merry lil way I came across a rusty ol' pickup truck with a balding man inside. He had a bumper sticker that read:

"I'm not bald...my head is a solar panal for a sex machine"

A Love Hate Relationship

I Love hot weather
I Hate when my AC is broken

I Love visitors
I Hate when spiders visit me

I Love diet cokes
I Hate withdrawl from caffine

I Love shopping
I Hate malls on a holiday

I Love talking
I Hate when people dominate the conversation

I Love mix tapes
I Hate not having a casssate player

I Love freshly painted toenails
I Hate putting on shoes before they are dry

I Love Cruising
I Hate paying for gas

I Love sending cards
I Hate not getting mail

Busy Weekend...

It all started Thursday night. . . .
I was driving home on a rather deserted road from a homevisit that I had done with one of my clients and his family. Suddenly I saw 2 cop cars up ahead with their lights on flashing. As I slowed down I realized a car was in the ditch completely upside down and a guy was lying on the side of the road rather bloody. Within the next couple of minutes as I sat staring (similar to a train wreck) an ambulance came and took him away.

Thursday night my friend and I were originally going to go to Rockford to the mall to get new dresses for a wedding the next day, but after I saw that and my friend had been in a pretty uncomfortable experience as well we decided to hold off on the trip. Instead I ventured into the Sterling mall (which to those unfamiliar has about 3 acceptable stores) and found a bright pink dress, which I thought would be suitable although I wasn't to thrilled with the purchase.

Friday Jeff came down to go to the wedding with me. As I was getting ready I started to have second thoughts about the pink dress; however, I didn't have many other options and it was new, so I figured I should just wear it. Well... Turns out, that was a bad choice. I was completely overdressed and to make matters worse, before we even arrived the strap completely ripped so I was forced to wear an uncomfortable and slightly itchy sweater.

Saturday Jeff and I ventured up to Savanna. The area is actually very pretty and we went hiking and had a little picnic. It was a beautiful drive, the weather was nice, and is surprising not flat like the rest of Illinois. After the hike, Jeff noticed that the back tire on ol' betsy was looking a little low. My response: "NO WAY, THAT IS MY BRAND NEW TIRE". Sure enough, we get the air gauge out and it has about half the lbs of air as the rest of the tires. Great....

That night I went down to my cousins 8th grade graduation. Always interesting when we get together with the fam. Unfortunately some of my other sisters couldn't make it, but there was still some yummy taco dip and cake. Jeff got to see some pretty hideous pictures of me when I was about 12 wearing a lovely daisy dress - Yuck.

Today I woke up, did some much needed cleaning around the house. It was about 95degrees out and for some reason I am air conditioner illiterate and can't figure out how to make it work. The maintenance man is getting a phone call from me tomorrow. . . I volunteered at a suicide prevention walk that was held at the highschool. The agency that I work for had a booth with some informational handouts so I talked to some people and basically sweated horrible for a few hours. It was a good cause though, and I'm glad I went.

Now. . . Time to see what happens in Lost Season 3. Surprisingly a very addicting show.

A 'lil song for the shower. . .

Planted...

Thus far I have left 1 funny note. . . I have not heard anything about it . . . Maybe tomorrow I shall leave another

Experiment

I'm about to conduct a real life experiment. Hopefully nobody from my office has tracked down my blog and is reading it without my knowledge because that would clearly interfere with what I'm about to do. IF you are a coworker and are reading this then stop right now. Your uninvited. - Seriously Stop!

The Idea
Today while enjoying a little stroll through Walgreens I came across "Stuck On You - Laugh Notes" I started flipping through the pages just for fun. There were humorous little sticky notes with cute pictures saying things such as "Just Take One Gigantic, Earth-Shattering Crisis At A Time" or "Why is it when we talk to God it's called praying, but when God talks to us it's called schizophrenic". . . All the sudden a light bulb went off above my head... Something like this... Except imagine a light bulb above my head. So I bought a bundle of humorous sticky notes for $7.95 headed home.

The Hypothesis
I believe that after recieving a "laugh note" the targeted individuals will have a brighter day. They will begin to question who these notes are coming from or why they have been selected at the mercy of the mysterous note leaver. In fact, it may even bring a smile to somebodys face who has not seen one in awhile. Am I hoping for to much? Ms. Optimistic some people call me, but we shall see small one... we shall see.

The Plan
Tomorrow I will stop at the office before heading out to do school visits. I will very carefully select the appropriate note for the individual and leave it on an unsuspecting fools desk to find at a later date and time. Leaving no name or trackable evidence. Throughout the following weeks I will continue to leave little notes around. And Yes to answer your question - I will randomly leave one on my own desk at some point so nobody will suspect me as the perpetrator. muahahaha

Stay tuned to find out if my hypothesis is supported or not and what impact the experiment has on the innocent bystanders.

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900

Thanks to Ivan for forwarding this to me. Apparently this is a posting from craigslist.com. Whoever is the man (or woman) that wrote this should be my boyfriend (no offense Jeff). We obviously have so much in common. Read the entire post in order to get the full magnitude of this amazing post.

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

"In a world where everyone seems to be larger and louder than yourself, it is very comforting to have a small, quiet companion."

Honestly Deceitful

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

...F.r.E.a.K.y...F.l.A.s.H.b.A.c.K.s...

"It is fun to be in the same decade with you"
Franklin D. Roosevelt

There are many cheezy quotes out there on why you should smile...
But I think this quote from Elf says it best

"I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite"

Is That Stuff Slippery?

Long Story Short....
Last night my friend Sam and I decided to go out for dinner and a margarita in honor of Cinco de Mayo. After dinner we went next door to a bar and got a couple beers. We were sitting at the bar and a few seats over was an older man about 50 or so. I'm minding my own business, applying some lipgloss, when he looks at me and the following conversation took place:

Creepy Old Man: Is that stuff slippery?
Me: Huh? (sam and I exchange confused looks)
Creepy Old Man: Just curious...(pause)... I have an overactive imagination
Me: Ewe. Your Gross. You better watch it. Our boyfriends will be pissed.
Creepy Old Man: Well they aren't here right now, now are they?
Me: Yeah they are, they are right over there (nodding towards 2 random 40 year old men across the bar)
Creepy Old Man: Ha, yeah right.
Me: Comeon Sam. Lets go talk to our men.

Sam and I then leave the bar and go over to the old guys and explain the situation. They laugh and all is well. The old man continued to hit on other young ladies at the bar. Nasty!

Sunday I cut my finger bad - - I thought I was going to bleed to death
Monday I stayed up way to late - - Today I was super sleepy
Tuesday I forgot to eat lunch - - Unlike me

Whats going on?? What Will Happen Tomorrow??

Toyota

HaHaHa. . . Apparently "Toyota sales are up 12 percent so far in 2010". . . Then again they are only charging half price. . . Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

Always Wear Sunscreen

Thanks to Megan for sharing. :)



Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ‘99: Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how…

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.